I Can Feel Myself Changing
The quiet beginning of an evolution I can't quite name yet.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the season of life I am in, and I’m starting to realize that something in me is shifting again. But this shift feels different. It feels less like I am simply entering another season and more like I am standing at the beginning of an evolution. There is a quiet knowing inside of me, like I am beginning to outgrow who I am right now. Not because there is anything wrong with who I have been, but because I think I have taken this version of myself as far as she is meant to go.
I’ve experienced this before in different ways throughout my life. There comes a point when something that once fit begins to feel a little too small or just out of alignment. The things that once held my attention, just doesn’t anymore. Certain conversations feel different. You can’t always explain what changed because sometimes nothing outside of me has changed at all.
And I think that is where I am.
I feel myself turning inward again, but not in away that feels retreated. Well, most of the time. It actually feels expansive. Almost as though I need to pull some of my energy away from the outside world so I can hear what is trying to emerge from within me. I have spent so much of my life giving energy outwards. I try to uplift, love, support, caregive, help, understand, volunteer, navigating relationships, paying attention to what everyone needs around me…… And lately I have this overwhelming feeling to gather some of my energy back and see what happens when I pour it into myself again.
And almost immediately, creativity starts to show up.
Ideas are coming to me differently. I want to work with my hands. I want to follow the strange little sparks that appear in my mind without needing to immediately understand where they are leading.
There is something incredibly freeing about creating simply because something inside of you wants to be expressed. Maybe creativity is part of the doorway into whatever is next for me.
At the same time, this inward season is making me look at parts of myself that I know are still evolving. One of the biggest is my Moral Compass. My moral compass is huge. I have always had a very strong intentional sense of right and wrong. Integrity matters deeply to me. Loyalty matters. Honesty matters. How we treat people matters. And when something doesn’t feel right to me, has a low vibration, I have a very difficult time pretending that it does and it’s ok.
I don’t want to necessarily change that about myself, I actually value it. But I am beginning to understand that there is a difference between knowing what is right for me and expecting everyone else to live according to that same internal code.
That is where my work is right now.
I am trying to allow more room for people to be human. To make mistakes. To make choices I wouldn’t make. To have lessons that are not mine to teach them. And I would love to say I have mastered this beautiful level of acceptance where I simply bless and release everyone on their journey and move along peacefully, but that would be untrue. If something feels wrong to me, I still struggle with it. There are still things that hit something so deeply inside of me that my instinct is to remove myself completely.
Maybe part of my evolution is learning that compassion doesn’t require agreement. I can understand that someone is human without accepting behavior that doesn’t align with me. I can forgive someone and still decide they don’t belong in the next chapter of my life. I can wish someone well without continuing to give them access to me. And I can recognize someone’s mistakes without needing to carry those mistakes around inside of myself.
Because I think that is part of what I am outgrowing too.
The amount of energy I give to things that are not mine, and watching it be claimed as their own.
There is only so much space within us that we are capable of carrying at one time. Expanding it is our human experience. And if I am asking my life to expand into something bigger and brighter, I have to be willing to create space for it.
That may mean outgrowing people. It may mean outgrowing places. It may mean outgrowing habits, dynamics, conversations, expectations, and even identities I once thought would always be part of me. Not everything we outgrow us bad. Sometimes something can have been beautiful, necessary and completely right for one chapter of our lives and still not belong in the next one.
I think that is one of the hardest things about growth. We sometimes believe that in order to leave something behind, we have to decide there was something wrong with it.
Maybe there wasn’t.
Maybe it just simply fit the person we were.
And now we are becoming something else.
There is a strange space between who you have been and who you are becoming where you don’t completely recognize your life anymore. The old version still exists, but you can feel the new one beginning to stretch beneath the surface. You don’t quite know what she looks like yet. You just know you can’t shrink yourself back into the spaces that are beginning to feel too small.
That is what it feels like for me.
I just don’t know exactly what I am expanding into yet. I don’t have a perfectly mapped out vision of what this next version of my life looks like yet. I just feel the pull towards something bigger. Brighter, More creative. More aligned. More intentional. More mine.
And for once, I don’t think I need to rush to find it. I think my job right now is to simply listen. To turn inwards, to create, to pay attention to what gives me energy and what sucks it dry. To notice what still fits and have the courage to acknowledge what doesn’t. To allow other people their journeys without making their choices my responsibility. And to trust that when something begins to fall away, it isn’t always a loss.
Sometimes it’s space. Space for the next idea. the next relationship. The next place. The next version of me.
Maybe this season isn’t really about becoming someone new at all. Maybe it is about allowing myself to become more of who I have been underneath everything else.
And I can feel her coming.
Notes to Nathan
One of the things I hope you kern much easier than I did is that outgrowing something doesn’t mean you have to hate it, judge it, or decide it was wrong for you. Sometimes people, places, relationships, and even versions of ourselves are exactly what we need for a certain season. They teach us, shape us, love us, challenge us, and sometimes even break us open. And then one day, they simply don;t fit anymore.
When that happens, trust yourself.
You are allowed to evolve. You are allowed to change your mind. you are allowed to want something bigger for your life. You are allowed to love people and still recognize that they may not be able to come with you into every chapter.
I also hope you always have a strong moral compass. I believe you are just like your mother with this. Know what you stand for and live with integrity, especially when no one is watching. But remember that your compass is there to guide you. Other people have their own lessons to learn, and they will sometimes make mistakes or choices you don’t understand. You don’t have to agree with those choices, and you certainly don’t have to allow everything into your life, but try not to let someone else’s choices harden your heart.
Have boundaries without losing your compassion.
Forgive when you can. Walk away when you need to. And learn the difference between the two.
Most importantly, when life feels too noisy, go inward. Get quiet enough to hear yourself again. Pay attention to what lights something up inside of you. Create things. Tinkering is your creativity. Follow your curiosity. Your life does not have to make sense to everyone else as long as it feels true to you.
And when you startt feeling like you no longer fit inside the life you created, don’t immediately assume something is wrong.
Sometimes that uncomfortable feeling is simply growth. Sometimes you are not falling apart, you are expanding. And there is something bigger and brighter waiting for you on the other side.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽